Mixed Media by Juliette van der Molen

Painting My World

I was in an extremely abusive marriage for 10 years. My physical voice deserted me through all of those years. Though I used it at work, I learned to turn it off at home and eventually I became numb inside, too. I had been a writer ever since I was old enough to hold a pencil in my hand. Unfortunately, the abuse slowly and systematically erased my voice until writing felt impossible. I no longer knew how to describe what I felt and emotions were a mystery to me. I was disconnected not only from the world around me, but from myself. It took me a long time to extricate myself from the relationship, but I was fortunate to have opportunities that lifted me from those difficult circumstances.

Beyond some elementary school dabbling, I had never seriously held a paintbrush in my hand. I definitely was not the visual artist in my family. When it came to drawing anything for a school project, I turned to my sister who had those talents. Through some therapy I ended up using visual art to describe my feelings. My words were lost for a long time. I was in the midst of changing my life and moving cross country to start over. Change overwhelmed me and words continued to evade me. During that time, I learned to paint. I dabbled in a bit of oil pastels until I was brave enough to buy some brushes and attend a community watercolor class. I became bolder and brave enough to attend some painting classes in New York, a city I had always dreamed of as a young person stranded in the Midwest. Under the tutelage of an inspirational teacher, Nicki Orbach, I learned to trust myself and to express feelings through color and brush stroke. I painted in some of the same studios as Georgia O'Keeffe and Jackson Pollack. I let their bravery lift me when I was unsure of where my paintings would go. Georgia was an inspiration to me. Viewing her paintings and learning about her informed a lot of my early work.

It wasn’t until late October 2017 that I found my words again. I thank the art and the support of people around me for that. My painting has slowed, but it is still something I love. Any time I am at a loss for words, the brush is always there.

Mijn Nederlander- (30x40 Acrylic on Canvas)- I began this painting at a pivotal moment in my development. Initial sketches were created when I met my now fiance, who is from The Netherlands. When he traveled to visit me, one of the first things he did was attend an art class with me. He sat silently and watched me paint. This began our long distance relationship 4 years ago. We have been crossing oceans to see each other and the tulip for me symbolizes the journey home. For so many years, I have lived as a sort of wanderer, not guaranteed to live in one place long enough to plant bulbs in the Fall and see them again in the Spring. It is no small coincidence to me that I have dreamed of planting tulips when I finally find a place to settle, and that my future spouse is Dutch. Next fall, I will be planting tulips at our home in Europe.

Rise (30x48 Acrylic on Canvas) Part of learning to paint for me was learning to use my body as part of the brush stroke. A mistake I made in the beginning was to solely move my wrist. Once I learned to move my arm, my brush strokes became more expressive. I feel myself in this painting and titled it "Rise" to note the movement of myself flourishing from a soil that was full of nourishment and encouragement. These petals rise and reach toward the sun and will no longer be ignored.

Tulpen (12x36 Oil on Canvas) This was my first foray into oil paints and is still very special to me. Often times I look at the natural world around me and see movement within what appears to be still life. In learning to paint, I found that there are so many colors that combine to make the world around us appear as it is. Tulpen (English translation: tulips) is my attempt to try and replicate that movement as if capturing it mid-move in a photograph. There are so many small movements in life that change within our field of vision, and it is rare that we stop enough to notice them. Tulpen reminds me to pause, look closer and consider that things might not be always as they appear from a distance.

Juliette van der Molen is a writer and poet living in the Greater NYC area. She is an intersectional feminist and a member of the LGBTQIA community. She is a contributing editor for Mookychick Magazine and author of Death Library: The Exquisite Corpse Collection(Moonchild Magazine, August 2018). Her work has also appeared in Anti-Heroin Chic, Burning House Press, Memoir Mixtapes, Collective Unrest and several other publications. Forthcoming books include: Mother, May I? (Animal Heart Press, May 2019) and Anatomy of A Dress(Hedgehog Poetry Press, 2019). You can connect with her on Twitter via @j_vandermolen. Website: www.JulietteWrites.com

Wijnand van der Giessen is a Dutch photographer living in North Wales. He has a passion for travel and exploring other cultures. His adventures have taken him to many places in Europe, Asia and the United States. His photography centres around connecting with the natural landscape, as well as perspective on historical architecture. His work is forthcoming in Royal Rose Magazine. To see more you can connect with him on Instagram via: wijnandvandergiessen.