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  • Writer's pictureMarías at Sampaguitas

Prose by Emily Craig

Anger Consumed Me

A True Emotion by Emily Craig

New Year’s has came and went, now I sit here and ponder what all has changed in a year and what I have left to change. I wonder how I can keep moving forward with all the people and things I have had to let go in the last decade to reach the person I am now. I don’t even recognize the Emily of 2019 compared to the one writing this story to you – I have grown so much in only a year. I am about to tell you exactly what I have to let go to keep moving forward. Sit back, relax, and let me tell you a story about letting go like I am Queen Elsa of Arendelle.

Anger. I am holding on to the anger he left me with last year. I sit here and realize that I am tightly holding on to that last shred of anger from what he did to me. How he destroyed my body image- making me feel disgusted by my reflection, causing me to want to hide within myself. How do you let such a strong emotion go? How do I even begin to move past these fears inside my head that he left for me to decipher? This thing I need to let go of isn't normal because it is an emotion connected to a guy, I once cared so much about; I would have done anything to stay with him. That doesn't make sense because I stayed even after he sexually abused me, yet I still find it hard to let go of the anger bubbling inside of me.

I question why that would be so hard for me. Read that statement again: I stayed even after he sexually abused me, yet I still find it hard to let go of the anger bubbling inside of me. Why am I having such a hard time? How is it still making me cry and question my decisions? That is why letting go of this anger building inside of me for the last year is so important – my sanity depends on me moving on with my life and focusing my energy on happier subjects.

I have written poems and one short story about the abuse. With each piece bringing more details to the page’s surface, showing exactly how deep he had affected my mind and body. But as the days go by, details begin to fade. That terrible day was a little over a year ago and I am still questioning how he turned so evil towards me. How my boundaries weren’t valid and his sexual desires were more important than me feeling safe. I look back and I become angrier because his good guy act hid his playboy intentions; he fooled me. How do I let that go?

I let it go by moving forward and leaving the pain behind. Easier said than done, of course, but I have to do it for my sanity and peace of mind. I am drowning in a sea of hurt and shame - no more. He can no longer hurt me; I am free of him. I am no longer his victim! I am no longer his piece of property. He is just an ex-boyfriend and ex-best friend, nothing more. Today I am releasing his memory and this pain into the wind - I am breaking free from it all.

Watch me shine because I am fighting back against my demons. No longer a victim to the pain inside my chest and the thoughts looming in my head. I am gaining so much more than I am losing. Losing him has been the biggest blessing! Gaining my happiness back has been the biggest gain of this year so far, I still have a ways to go, but I am happy to report that I am happier every day.

Emily Craig graduated from the University of North Alabama with her English, Professional Writing Degree in 2018. She is a self-published author with four poetry collections. “Will You Love Me Again?” is her forthcoming debut novel (2020 release date). She has poetry published on Instagram by Nightingale & Sparrow, Royal Rose, and Marias at Sampaguitas, along with poems in Marias at Sampaguitas Issue One.  

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