Self Portrait Without Distance
for Kuya Eric
I want to know what to do
with the dead things we carry.
Aracelis Girmay
When asked why I still have faith
after all these years, I wonder how could you not?
My cousin is gone and I want to be given just this.
The morning nanay told me I let out a guttural cry
and it sounded like coming out of the womb,
like Hello, world except he’d left us stuck here in this one.
No one ever has good reasons for why it’s wrong to be a child.
And what is more childlike than believing the dead
aren’t gone but still tending to the oceans somewhere,
callous fingers playing guitar before sleep.
These days I hunger for twin popsicles,
birthday pabitin, family trips unpunctured by the ache of age.
Return to me my stuffed dog. My High School Musical DVDs.
The MegaSketcher we hauled through the neighborhood,
when our whole worlds could be scribbled into existence.
I wish he could draw for me the place where he went.
Liaa Melissa (she/her) is from Mandaluyong, Philippines. She has written and performed for {m}aganda magazine, the Smithsonian Asian Pacific American Center, Bulosan Center for Filipino Studies, and elsewhere. She currently lives in Prince George's County, Maryland, where she posts on Instagram at @haliyapoems.