Tattooing My Silence
If my mind had a voice of its own / it would speak out loud more words / than the most outspoken person I knew / silence is a poison seeping up your veins / until one day you are an unproblematic corpse / I wonder how no one sees my throat swelling / with all the words that came rising / but could never make the journey to my mouth / I wonder if my tongue feels jealous of my pen / for all the words it got to taste / maybe in the next phase of evolution / I could be born with muscles instead of words / so that I wouldn’t need to flinch / every time you raised your hand / and in wherever I end up after this / I wish I am cruel to others / so that I could be kind to myself / for every time I’m reminded / that I’m crying / I wish I could remind you / that it’s okay to do so / silence is not a synonym for submission / for punching bags you go to a sports goods shop / and not to your own wedding / I see the white walls in my bedroom / and I want to puke / it’s sucking every color from what I am / but then I’m not sure what I am / so I keep the white walls / and hello kitty pajamas / and my oiled hair / to prove I am still a good lil girl / trying to pull off a magic trick / by showing my parents a stranger / wearing their daughter’s face / and I sit down on the floor / imagining a void right in front / preparing to jump / hoping I could be reborn into a room / with only fairy lights for brightness / walls made of black quotes / a mask with a nice smile / a world with no men / and a girl with a ‘bitch face’ / but when the night comes / and I wake up in the middle / a cold-sweat shivering mess / I strip naked / uncap my pen / and draw on my body / feeding it with the words / it was hungry for that day //
Ann Maria Anil is a 19 year old trying to find herself through poetry which is her way of making noise. She is currently pursuing honours degree in Political Science. Forever lover of classics, books, music and the voices in her head are her constant companions. She hopes that one day she wouldn't feel guilty for being kind to others without loving herself.
Preferred pronouns: She/Her
Social Media Page (Instagram): @firebirdbynight