Protect Me
she fought fiercely
for every cause she held dear
she threw her body into action
into the war
into the battle of her mind scape
she fought like she had nothing to lose
she fought like every battle would be her last
she’s careless
some would say
she acts like there’s nothing left of her life
others murmured
she fights like she’s going to die for her cause
others assumed
to her friends
to her family
to those who looked up to her for guidance
and to those who kept space for her in their hearts
I’m sorry for your loss
Don’t Remember Me
They say that it takes seven years
for all the cells in your body
to replace themselves
it takes seven years
to rid my body
of every place you touched
every scar
that embedded itself
within my flesh
that was caused by your doing
has yet to all subside
the skin may be new
the cells may be new
but the wounds are aching and old
I’m tired of hiding
and tired of fear
overcoming my senses
I’m tired of being hyperaware
of the smell and feel
of tiger balm
I’m tired of waking up
at the sound of cars
screaming on the roads
I’m tired of my birthday
coming and going
and me dreading the day it comes
I’m tired of all the regret
that I brought upon myself
for not telling
I’m tired of telling myself
that it wasn’t what it was
because maybe
I didn’t say no loud enough
I said it too few times
I didn’t fight back
my tears that shed covered my voice
that I didn’t break up with you after
that I didn’t understand
what was happening
or that I understood and liked it
I’m tired of making excuses for you
but as the days go by
I know you don’t remember it
and sometimes
to this very fucking day
I relive it in nightmares
80 MPH
and love will find you
even in the darkest of places
because sometimes
you weren’t expecting a little love tap
or a honking bulldozer
going 80 miles per hour
but it’ll find you all the same
so take my advice
don’t run
let it hit you and pay you
with its assurance and support
and pray that you can find it in your heart
to accept the broken pieces and parts
take this new spark of yours
and love it fiercely
with all the firey passion you can
so when the flame
is nothing but a candle’s flicker
you’ll remember
that you aren’t wandering any longer
you’re staring at the head of the bull
and loving it with all your heart
Bitter Sweet Love
I can’t bring myself to write about love too often
perhaps I don’t feel the immense sensation
that envelopes people like you
or perhaps that’s the borderline personality disorder talking
where the feeling of unexplainable anger
and feeling of eternal abandonment
close around my chest
and squeeze until it bursts
in the form of salty drops
on my cheeks and in my hair
I feel so much for my one and only
but why is it that I can’t bring myself to write about the love
that lingers in the darkness
and the love
that sings throughout my very being
perhaps I can’t express those words
as clearly as my downward spirals
yes
that’s what I’ll tell myself for years past
and years to come
I’ll be alright
I’ll repeat those words
until it becomes natural on my tongue
and not so bitter
in between the gaps in my teeth
I’ll be okay eventually
won’t I?
Journeys
I didn’t travel this far
for you to only accept that I was on a journey
searching for my soul
no
I was here to love you
until you knew that you were worth the wait
Wandering Wondering
Do you think he misses me?
I wonder as I wander underneath the stormy skies
the sea knows that I am lost
in the hurricane that held my soul captive
that agreed to only release it when I gave up the right
to notice others staring at us
us not being together
us not calling out to each other in the darkness
where only we know if the storm will kill us in the end
if it were anyone else
I’d want a happy ending for them
but for us
did we deserve it?
God Gave Me You
I get shivers down my spine seeing you look at me that way.
it was a constant thrill
being by your side
on nights like these where there were no fears or doubts
that the world around us would pull us apart
don’t tell me something can go wrong
don’t tell me that the whispers around us are getting to you
that your daddy doesn’t like girls like me
around their good Christian daughters
that your momma prays the gay in me can go away
that the gay won’t get to you too
as if it were a disease
something that you can catch
like the cold or flu
I can see the way your eyes dim
as you look out the the galaxy above us
when I brush your hair back behind your ear
do you think the stars would accept me as one of their own?
you say
one night where the clouds couldn’t cover our hopes
I think only the devil would turn your brightness away.
you’re too good for me
too good for this hicktown in the middle of nowhere.
too good to be caught up in hateful rumors
but I keep that last part to myself
I don’t want the goddess before me
to know I hear the rumors
that haunt every corner of our village
you’re always too kind.
I’m glad I can always see passed your masked mirror
the one that reflects everything done and given to you.
I’m glad you can see the me I want to shine
that can and will shine
once I get out of here and move to the city
what did I ever do to deserve you?
it’s an honest question
god would’ve never given me something I couldn’t handle
would never give me anything I don’t want or need
but as you sit here before me
eyes up at the midnight sky I understand
that you don’t belong in this cruel world that you were given
that you don’t deserve the cards dealt to you
and so when you left us for heaven
because chemo only can work so hard
because your body can only push too far
I knew you were happy
I knew that our creator would protect you
and give you the life you deserve
the next time around
I love you.
but you made me promise
that I wouldn’t be lost without you
that I wouldn’t sacrifice my future
to join you where you can watch over me
so I’ll sit here
just a while longer
and rebel
so I can get lost in the stars
and their infinite galaxies
and get lost
in the thought
that I’ll meet you again
Tiny Tanaka is a poetry and prose writer, recovering addict, Hafu-sprinkled with Korean heritage, lesbian, who happens to have borderline personality disorder. They fight for intersectional feminism, LGBT+ rights, and to end the stigma of mental illnesses. They may be found on their IG: tinytanaka.poetry