explaining my queerness to my mother
it’s been two years
since i’ve told her
& she still doesn’t
seem to understand
she calls my identity
a lifestyle &
acts as if being gay
is something i chose
she says she doesn’t care
if i’m gay, straight, or bi
as if being gay
is something to apologize for
she acts as if being gay
is a sickness, something like the common cold,
claims she knows when it all started, believes
it will be cured if she prays hard enough
this is what i want to tell her:
i’m sorry
i’m sorry that i can’t fix myself when
i was never actually broken in the first place
treading water
living with mental illness
feels like rowing a paddle boat
into the eye of of a hurricane
my stomach tosses & turns
like the ocean waves
its saltwater invades my lungs
i’m kicking & screaming
no one can see or hear me
i’m on my own i guess
the storm passes
and the shore is near, but
i still feel like i’m dying
& i wonder when i’ll feel alive again
i’m ready to believe in better days
where living won’t feel like a chore
& my brain won’t trick me
into thinking that i’m a burden
on a constant basis
the radio will play my favorite song
the sky will be radiant
instead of overcast
& i won’t be so stuck
in my head all the time
i’ll see at least a dozen
golden retrievers
my gas tank will be full
& there will be nothing but
green lights ahead of me
my mom will tell me
how proud she is of me
& i’ll believe her
i’ll look in the mirror, say i love you
& know i’m being honest for once
Audrey Bowers is a senior creative writing major at Ball State. When they aren't writing poetry, you can find them editing Brave Voices Magazine, a literary magazine they founded in 2018.